about work

I know if I share what happened to me it will prompt change.  I have yet to feel safe enough to experience it long enough again to write about it.  I’m going to get out as much detail as I feel I can.

October 2, 2021 I had a phone call with a man named Charlie.  Charlie was routed to us because, while he was physically located in North Carolina, his phone number had a Colorado area code.  Charlie detailed several devastating situations that had recently impacted his life.  He was tens of thousands of dollars in new gambling debt after his wife cheated and took their child.  This was enough for him.  He had no hope.  This man made a choice about when his life would end, and unfortunately I was brought along for the ride.  Charlie ended his life that night.  His gun fired in the middle of him screaming in what I can only describe as absolute pain and agony.  I felt it.

I had a lead on the call with me at the time, my peer.  He asked me to stay on the line “just in case”.  I was on the line for just under five minutes calling to Charlie.  Of course, there was no response because he was dead.  My lead had to make sure, apparently.  I was informed the supervisor on duty was unable (read unwilling and in office) to meet with me to debrief.  It was suggested that I text my direct supervisor, who was not working, to ask to go home.  I sent a text informing her my caller had just killed himself and I needed to go home.  Her response was to check-in with the supervisor on duty.  I let her know they were unavailable and I was instructed to ask her.  I told her I would finish my note, but would not finish my shift. 

I wrote the most detailed and frankly impressive clinical note of my career that night.  On some level, I knew I would never return to the office. 

---

I received a text later in the night that the supervisor on duty had reviewed the call.  I was told, over a text, that it sounded similar to a prank they had heard before.  My experience and Charlie's pain were written off by the organization as a joke.  The organization that is the only one in the state of Colorado to help people in crisis moments told me my experience on the line and Charlie's pain were a joke... 

I was not supposed to be taking calls that night.  I wasn't even supposed to be working that night.  I modified my schedule to help a company that chose not to hire enough people until their new documentation system rolled out a month later.  They chose to create a crisis level in staffing and threw me out when I couldn't help anymore.  

---

Over the next two months I had to ask more than once for the disability information for the benefits *I pay into*.  I was informed that, because I was three weeks from one year employed, I was not covered under FMLA – this means my job was not protected while I tried to heal.  I also did not receive the information for the company EAP until the second email, too. 

I was approved for leave for six weeks with the opportunity to re-evaluate at the end of that time.  During this leave, my program manager asked me to join online trainings.  She offered a text message of comfort a week or so after the incident and then decided it was appropriate to ask me to work during my medical leave.

At the end of this six weeks I had a “return to work meeting” with one of the women in the HR department.  She was my only contact through this entire ordeal.  We had no more than 7 emails total (including the emails requesting my benefits information) and one phone call.  This phone call detailed what my provider believed would be the best return to work route for me.  This included working a non-client facing position temporarily until I felt ready to jump on the lines again and ideally part-time hours to start.  She said she thought there could be something for me and said she would let me know the next day.  One week went by and she informed me those adaptations were not an option, that they had no non-client facing work at all, and that they would “unfortunately” need to terminate my employment.  I was “more than welcome” to apply again when I “felt ready”.

If you have been in my life for any part of the last four years, you know what I’ve been dealing with.  I was thrown out like garbage by the company who is supposed to save people.  This broke me down further than I’ve ever experienced.  I tried to work cleaning houses, but using the energy my brain needed to heal was causing a HUGE backslide in the very little progress I was making.  I gave up.  I’m here because of a few people and my belief that I can change the world to be a better place.  It starts with sharing this story.