One year

     One year ago today a man named Charlie died by suicide.  I was the last person to speak to this man before he died.  The feedback from my supervisor later that night was that it sounded like a prank.  

        The pain and absolute despair I heard in this man's voice as he screamed out in agony before shooting himself was reduced to a mere prank.  

    I still freeze and my heart starts to race when someone begins to escalate or raise their voice.  I still have nightmares about the silence after the call.  I still can't feel comfortable with headphones over my ears.  I still cry for what feels like no reason.

    It's so disheartening that the leadership team of the company who is supposed to be there in those devastating moments doesn't believe it's real.  How invalidating is that for someone who is calling for help?  

    How are you supposed to look up to a team who doesn't support you?  We had already been dealing with crisis levels staffing issues that had been brought up to the new leadership team.  Staff were calling out on a rotating basis so they didn't burn out and could continue to help people.  I personally brought this to leadership and the new director, Helen, numerous times.  I was awarded employee of the month September 2021 because of this advocacy and vulnerability.  The organization CHOSE to halt hiring and training until a new medical records system was in place.  This left us with as few as 4 call takers on a Saturday night - arguably one of the busiest nights.  Leadership chose to cripple us as staff because they believed it would be more work and cost more to retrain people on a new system than hire based on need.  It's despicable honestly.  It directly led to a man being assumed "safe to wait" in queue for the next available staff when he was clearly so distressed he could not wait.  There should have been enough staff for this man to feel heard and important enough to not be put on hold at the fucking suicide hotline.  

    I had to beg for help afterwards.  Did you know there are zero resources that I or my therapist could find for mental health providers affected by client suicide?  Did you know the suicide rates are only rising in this country?  Did you know we have to find our own therapy and help to deal with this?  I was only able to find support and help after I qualified for medicaid.  I drowned in the trauma and subsequent consequences of losing my job (yes they fired me instead of accommodating my doctor ordered return to work needs) for almost a year before I was able to qualify to see someone.  I lost my insurance when I lost my job.  I was unable to fill my mental health medications for six months as a result.  I was evicted from my home.  I relapsed after 13 years free from self-harm.  I've been unable to work in any capacity, let alone the field I love and spent years studying for and working in.  My life changed entirely that night and I'm only now starting to feel like my feet are underneath me again.

    Rocky Mountain Crisis Partners, Beverly Marquez, Helen Litrell, and Dana Barattin should all be personally ashamed of how things were handled that night.  This is the only organization that will answer for Colorado phone numbers when you call the crisis line or the new 988.  

    I can only wish that things improve for other staff who care for the callers and the callers themselves.  I will continue to pick up the pieces and lean on those I love for support.